I recently started dating again. It’s been weird since it’s been like forever since I’ve actually been serious about dating anyone, I mean, I was in two sorta “relationships” that were pretty fulfilling and both have gone on basically since I recovered from giving birth, so aside from a few dates here and there, I haven’t actually seriously done any dating since…. Oh jeez, before I got pregnant I was engaged, so… hmmm, yeah, it’s been a really long time since I’ve dated. I’m rusty, and in a new city, and things have maybe changed a bit, but I’ll tell you what hasn’t changed – my standards, which are pretty deeply ingrained. Everyone, women and men, should have some standards.
It didn’t take too long for me to remember why I hate dating and seriously long for my awesome dudes back in Toronto. One was a struggling student, hot as fuck and could lay the pipe like nobody’s business, the other was an older businessman, and that man was exactly my kinda freaky, I mean, that man definitely got down to business and it was glorious.
Together they were perfect. I didn’t take on the both of them at the same time or anything, LOL, not that I would be ashamed of it if I did. Thank God I am now old enough and wise enough not to be ashamed of myself for being a woman who enjoys sex, and young enough to still have plenty of it, but they knew of each other, they just didn’t actually know each other, or else maybe that threesome would have been on the table… maybe even literally.
I thought I found the perfect guy. The actual perfect combination of both guys, but in one guy! And a guy I could actually introduce to my son, one guy I was with knew my son, but the other only came over a few times a month and only to do one thing, so obviously he had no interest in meeting my kid, and he never did. So I go head over heels for this new guy way too fast, and we fucked pretty immediately. I’ve never done the Netflix and Chill thing just with some random, and this guy wanted to do it, and I wanted to try it, and it just really worked out well… which is an understatement. It went quite shockingly well… also an understatement, but let’s move on. The man blew my mind.
Then I find out he’s leaving, which kinda sucks, but maybe if we find out we get along well things could work out, either way I want us to keep “Netflix and Chilling” together. We actually never even watched any Netflix, LOL, just like, a few minutes of cable TV.
Then I find out he makes six figures which is funny because I asked him for a little trinket from his workplace, figuring it would be no problem because we’re fucking nice and he can probably get it for me for free, but he said no. He said no before I knew about anything and it was no problem, but then I found out that he could have easily gotten it for me, along with maybe some flowers, and we’ve not even so much as had a nice dinner together and then I just felt really sick and grossed out. The perfect man had managed to turn me off entirely. Just. Fucking. Great. Now, I know that even my struggling college student put in the effort to get me something beautiful and thoughtful (just like me), and it is something that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I also don’t know exactly what my businessman made, or even what he actually did for a living, but what I do know is what he did for me, which is quite a lot… which is an understatement but I’m not going through this again. He was good.
But yet here I am, in the ghettoes of Edmonton, giving my delicate flower away to probably a pretty rich man, who can’t even be arsed to bring me a trinket from his work. I didn’t ask him for a mink or a coach handbag, or even for a bloody single rose for myself, I asked him for a little teeny something for my kid. Who has developmental delays, but whatever, he didn’t know that and I didn’t want him to give it to me because he felt sorry for me or my kid. I wanted him to give it to me just because he liked me and wanted to, but obviously he didn’t like me that much, I guess.
Here’s the thing, ladies, listen up: When you give yourself to a man who puts in the bare minimum just to get what he wants from you, not even a single fucking rose, then it’s not just your pussy you’re giving him, it’s also your self-esteem. You’re feeding his self-esteem by giving him yours. That’s why you can have sex with one guy (or two) and feel great about it, and then have sex with another and feel dirty and ashamed of yourself, and even worse not knowing if this is how he treats all women, or if it was just you for some reason. Never go with a guy who makes you feel this way. He’s not worth even ashes, no matter what his bank account says… or his body… or his smoldering eyes and gorgeous smile… Same goes for men when it comes to the ladies.
So now what do I do? I’ve got this seemingly perfect dude, except that he pretty obviously doesn’t give two shits about me. My family is telling me to ditch him, other dudes are wanting to swoop in and treat me right, I’m stupidly falling in love with him (which never happens), even though we only have sex, and now I’m viscerally turned off by the idea of having anymore sex with him, which means that we basically go back to being strangers. So I bitched at him about the trinket and he didn’t like that – yep, me “gold-digging” a little trinket for my kid, the harlot that I am, LOL, so he tried to ditch me, keyword: tried. I tell him, fine, go, don’t let the door hit ya on the way out – to paraphrase, and then we argue a bit and decide to drop it, but I’m still in the same place pretty much, I mean, damn, even if I was dating the freaking Janitor he’d probably have been able to get me what I’d asked for, and he would have been thrilled to death to do it for me. Seriously, wtf?
So I do what I do when I don’t know what to do. I prayed to God and here’s what it boils down to: If I could forgive the man who impregnated me, then surely I can forgive this petty little issue and move on. Possibly even hookup with him again, if I feel into it, which, right now it’s nah, but whatever, only a few more weeks and then he leaves forever which means this problem will basically solve itself if I just have some patience… and maybe just a little more of the sex… which is FIRE!!!
Oh, and if this piece has a soundtrack, then it’s November Rain, by Guns N Roses, which I will probably sing at karaoke tonight! Yay!!!