Hope

So I’m here, in Inglewood… Edmonton. If I had real balls we would be in California. I’ve heard they really know how to party. But here we are… in Edmonton. So far it is everything that I dreamed it would be. It’s actually amazing. This isn’t the first time I’ve changed cities, but it’s the first time I’ve done it with a kid, and it’s the first time I’ve changed cities and gone so far away. At least I don’t have to learn a new language this time. I’m not afraid to leave the house anymore. It’s really nice. I’ve seen two rabbits here. I haven’t seen any raccoons or pigeons, but I saw the rabbits and some magpies and they somehow create a more idyllic scene than the raccoons and pigeons of Toronto.

The men are different too. If Tinder is to be believed, they all seem to be into a lot of outdoorsy stuff. I actually have complimentary female outdoorsy survival skills. I can’t live in the woods so someone… ahem… would have to build me a shelter, but I could knit curtains for the shelter, cook food, make soap, create human life, make human life worth living, et al. I already met a really sweet guy the last time I was here, but I don’t know if that’s going to go anywhere and it’s not serious until he puts a ring on it so I’m hedging my bets with that one. He’s nice and I hope it works out… I just don’t believe it will as yet and I’m not getting any younger. Maybe I will settle down. These dudes like stuff like quadding and baseball and my son really should get into some of that. He loves trucks and hockey and stuff and I don’t know how to teach him any of that. I can teach him how to do his makeup and listen to what’s not being said. I can teach him how to drive a car, or fill it up with gas, but I can’t get into the works of a car, I just… ugh, it bores me to tears. I can’t force myself to be into this stuff. I’ve tried. I can see why people want some sort of middle ground on genders. They want women to do guy stuff, and men to do women stuff. I guess if genders were less contrary and complimentary to each other it would be much easier for me to raise my son all by myself, but I guess I also know this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. I definitely understand my father’s struggles a lot better now. I love my son, but I’m sorry to be in the same situation and I wish things were better for my kid. I do have the advantage of being older than my father was, and only having one child, not two. Poor guy. After seeing what he went through, and kinda put us through as well, I knew better than to make babies I wasn’t well prepared to care for. I think I’m handling it well, all things considered.

I hope I meet a nice guy out here. I also hope I don’t get murdered. Or raped. OMG, the people are so friendly! It’s so weird! I know how to react because it’s the same way when you go up north of Toronto, or even a little bit in my old neighbourhood in Toronto, and I’m sure some others, but definitely not all of them. So far, I’ve been politely greeted by about twenty strangers. One of them freaked me out because she was the property manager so she came over to me when I was outside my mom’s place and introduced herself. When I saw her smiling and coming towards me I thought she was a Jehovah’s Witness and I tried to run away, but I froze up and wasn’t quick enough so we went through an awkward introduction and I’ll be checking out some lovely two bedroom apartments in my mother’s building within the next few days. She actually turned out to be very nice and not at all trying to hustle me or save my soul… yet.

The quiet takes a bit of getting used to. I’m sure there’s got to be regular city noise in some areas, but ours is pretty quiet. We are not far from downtown. Dating with kids is so much harder. I didn’t want to get my son all attached to someone and then things fail and I’m saying awful stuff about them and he never gets to see them anymore. I went through that and I didn’t like it. I thought maybe just not doing that and keeping my relationships to myself and not involving my son at all was the answer, but I think maybe that’s not the right idea either. I honestly don’t know what the best thing is. This is why I pray and ask God and just listen for the answers. Because that’s how I get them. I don’t know what the fuck atheists do. I don’t even want to know. It’s frankly none of my business.

I want a soul mate. I want someone who compliments me and is good for my son. Maybe I’m asking too much, but if it’s meant to be, then I guess it’s going to happen. I’m away from being dependant on really awesome but not fully kinda real and fulfilling relationships, and I think if the right guy came along, I’d be able to commit to him. I don’t cheat, and I don’t lie if I can help it. I don’t judge what other people do, but I definitely judge what I do so if I do settle down and agree to be serious, it’s going to be with someone I really love and feel deeply connected with. Things were awesome before and lots of fun, and I definitely appreciate it and respect everything I had, but I kinda want to fall in real love with someone. It makes the sex a lot better.

I miss my friends. I miss being able to get fucked so amazing anytime I wanted. I can’t believe I gave that up. Ugh, so safe and so good. It was also very hard to give up my dogs. I hope I can get the dogs back someday. I actually might be able to buy a house much sooner than I thought. I hope I can make all the right choices out here. I love it out here so much, so far I’m really happy about this choice. I’m not going to look back bitterly on everything I used to have every time I face a setback. I know better than that. It took me a long time to get over my house fire. Too long. Probably because I kept looking back so I turned to salt, lol. It’s a bible thing. I was salty because I kept thinking about how much easier my life was before the fire, and how I spent the whole time mopey and depressed instead of appreciative of how really fine things were, I kept emoting with the world’s problems and thinking about how helpless I was in the grand scheme of things to affect any change or make the world a better place or help hurting people, and instead of making the world a better place in any little way I could, I was adding to its misery by being one more sad miserable person who had no real current and direct cause to be. That shit is catching and it affects the people who love you. But so is joy and happiness so that’s what I try to spread now. Balancing out the karma.

I guess I went through a bit of a catharsis and learned to stop whining and crying over shit that’s being going on in the world long before I got here and will continue to go on, perhaps forever, after I leave and just enjoy what little bit of life I was lucky enough to get. If I spend my life crying over every hurt person in the world then that’s all I’m ever going to do and it sure doesn’t help a damn thing. It’s a waste of time and energy and to be honest, the worst part about being hurt is knowing how much it hurts the people who love you. I can take a beating. The thing I cannot bear is the pain in my sister’s eyes when she finds out what happened to me, so if I apply that logic, then it makes sense to let people grieve for themselves and not cry and wail my way into every pity party because I’m really only making people feel worse about it. So hopefully my son has seen his mother cry for the last time, and he will probably forget all about that in time and I can go back to being his strong rock, and no more crying because it’s not going to change anything and I need to stay optimistic. I’m actually feeling optimistic. No matter what happens, and come what may, we are in this, it’s totally happening, and I truly believe that we are going to be okay. Maybe even much better than okay. Anything is possible and I’m full of hope… and freedom.

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