My Funeral

A friend of mine was recently asking about songs for a funeral. Nobody had died or anything, I think she was just feeling a little glum. Hmm, maybe depressed? Oh geez, I should have asked…


oh well…

I’m sure she’s fine.

Anyways, I started thinking about the arrangements I wanted for my funeral and I know I don’t want it to be sad. I’ve never been comfortable around sad people – my reaction is usually to make jokes until the person cheers up and usually it works, but sometimes it doesn’t and when it doesn’t, it REALLY doesn’t.

I’ve thought it out and my first funeral song, to welcome everyone to the service, is going to be I’m Never Going to Dance Again, by George Michael.

Guilty feet, I’ve got no rhythm, though it’s easy to pretend, I know you’re not a foo-ool!

I think it’s perfect because people will be like, “aww, that’s sad. She’s never going to dance again.” But they will also be like, “what the fuck kind of song is this for a funeral?” So, it sort of sets the tone that some weird shit is about to go down. Then the lull of the regular funeral monotony lures them into a false sense of security like, “that was a weird song, but maybe it was just a one-off’. Then, probably after the pastor makes it very clear that these were my final wishes and that he had absolutely nothing to do with what’s about to happen, the whole room darkens and the first ominous tones of Michael Jackson’s Thriller boom over the loudspeaker. So now everyone is thinking, “what the fuck is she up to now?” While this is going on, they are secreting my corpse out of my coffin through some type of trap door. As a distraction, other coffins, that have been set up along the sides of the venue and explained as extras that are for sure empty, will slowly open, one by one, and out of each will come an eerily costumed dancer who begins to move and gyrate to the song. Hopefully at this point some of the audience will have begun to lighten up a bit and sway to the music. I mean, it’s Michael Jackson, regardless of who just died, how can you not sway?

As the song reaches climax – you know that part with all the scary screaming? my coffin slowly starts to creak open. People freeze in horror, mid-sway as another dancer, dressed as me but with rotted zombie makeup slowly creeps out of my coffin. The other dancers dance their way up to join her at the front just as the beat drops, and the whole place goes wild, simultaneously breathing a sigh of relief, and resuming a more frenzied sway to the music, with only one or two onlookers anxiously wondering where my corpse went.

It’s going to be so freaking AWESOME! I’m only sad that I won’t be alive to see it.